


the road no one wants to take

by antivanitas



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Gender-Neutral Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, I promise, Infidelity, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Oral Sex, Penis In Vagina Sex, Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Season 8 compliant, Slow Burn, Trans Keith (Voltron), Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:28:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23939773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antivanitas/pseuds/antivanitas
Summary: He knew this was coming.  He knew he’d be preaching his love to someone who could never return it.  Yet, beneath all of that, there was hope.  Just a glimmer of it.  How many days of his life has he spent fantasizing about Shiro finally pulling him in for a kiss?All of those fantasies shatter in an instant.  And, the worst part?The worst part is that glimmer of hope is still fucking shining.Keith loves Shiro, but Shiro could never love Keith.  Nobody said sex wasn't allowed.
Relationships: Keith/Shiro (Voltron)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 273





	the road no one wants to take

It’s dark.

Kosmo whines. Atop the Black Lion, out here in the desert, it’s easy to forget where he is. His wolf brings him back to reality, reminding him that the stars are shooting across the sky, and he’s been here since late afternoon. Waiting.

He should have known.

Shiro’s been distracted. To say the least. He didn’t visit Keith in the hospital. That stung, of course, but not as much as Shiro brushing him off all the time. Keith had to practically chase him down at the end of the meeting. He had to grip Shiro’s arm and force eye contact. He had to set the time Shiro should meet him on the Black Lion--seventeen-hundred-hours. 

It’s nearing nineteen-hundred. Keith should have fucking known.

They haven’t talked about it.

And, really, that’s the worst part. Keith let him be when Shiro was still getting used to his body. Transplanting consciousness probably takes precedent when it comes to emotional turmoil, and Keith never wanted to add to that. So, he gave it a week. A month. That’s when Shiro started to look at him differently. When Shiro started moving away as Keith inched closer, craving their comforting casual contact.

When he moved to the Green Lion, out of nowhere, not even  _ saying _ he was doing it.

It’s not the silent treatment. They’ve spoken. Hell, Keith saved his life. They shared one singular tender glance, and it left as quickly as it came.

Yes, what happened was  _ a lot _ . Yes, they’ve never so much as  _ argued _ , before. And, yeah, the clone may have said a few things that still ring in Keith’s nightmares.

Shiro has always seemed so goddamn unreachable. 

There’s the sound of someone climbing out of the cockpit door. Lance is probably done with his date, by now. Might have stopped by to tell Keith how it went. Keith is happy for them, really, he just wishes he weren’t so stuck on--

“Sorry I’m late.”

Keith whirls around so fast he almost loses his balance and falls off the damn lion. “Shiro?”

Shiro is smiling sheepishly, a hand awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. He’s wearing civvies--his familiar leather jacket and a pair of casual blue jeans. It’s been so long since they’ve been out of uniform together. So long since Shiro has  _ smiled _ at him.

“I got caught up,” he says softly. “Turns out, being Captain is...kind of busy.”

Guilt settles low in Keith’s stomach. His world might revolve around Shiro, but Shiro’s world is in a different orbit entirely. Of course he had shit to do. He’s got a few more stripes on his uniform to account for that.

“It’s okay,” he lies. “I was spacing out, anyways.”

Shiro hesitates for far too many seconds before he sits down. There’s a good foot between them. The distance seems to yawn.

“It’s been a long time since we got to do this,” Shiro laughs lightly. His eyes are tracing familiar constellations. “Part of me thought I’d never see the Big Dipper again.”

Why does he have to look so damn beautiful? Why does his jaw have to be so cut? Why do his eyes have to reflect starlight, brighter than quasars? Why does his white hair make him look like an angel?

He catches Keith staring. Keith doesn’t look away. He doesn’t blush. He’s come to terms with this. With everything.

“I need to tell you something,” he says. Right to the point.

Immediately, Shiro’s brows furrow with concern. Keith wants to take a damn picture. He feels like Shiro hasn’t looked at him in years, let alone with such raw emotion.

“Are you okay?” Shiro asks gently, and genuinely, Keith hasn’t felt that concern from Shiro since before he fucking died. 

“I’m fine,” Keith says. He has to look away. He has to look into the vastness of space to ground himself. “And, we don’t have to talk about the fight if you don’t want to. Ever. I just wanted to...clarify.”

There’s a disconcerting pause. “Keith…”

“I know you remember,” Keith mutters. “You wouldn’t be acting like this if you didn’t remember.”

“I didn’t--” Shiro starts, but stops abruptly and sighs. Restarts. “I didn’t know what to do.”

“I just wanted to get this out,” Keith says, ignoring Shiro’s comment, because if he doesn’t, he’ll go  _ off _ on him. Didn’t know what to do. What the  _ fuck _ . Visit Keith in the  _ hospital _ , for one. “Up there...I said something.”

Shiro stays silent. Keith has to clench his eyes shut to gather his nerve--he’s faced far more terrifying situations, hasn’t he? 

“I said you were my brother, and that I loved you,” Keith says quietly. “And I guess that’s true. You’ve been more family to me than anyone else.”

Still, no words from Shiro. The air is deathly deaf.

“But, how I love you,” Keith says, and his voice cracks, and he has to swallow the ball of cotton in his throat, “It’s not like a brother, Shiro. It’s more than that. And, in case we die tomorrow or whatever, I need you to know.”

Shiro sighs.

“I know.”

Keith feels several things at once. First, it’s shock--how could he have known? Then, it’s acceptance. Of course he knew. Shiro knows everything about Keith, and he always has. Finally, it’s realization.

He knew.

He’s been distant because he  _ knew _ .

“Fuck,” Keith breathes.

He doesn’t know what he expected. Certainly, he didn’t think Shiro would profess his undying love and scoop Keith into his arms. He didn’t think Shiro would scream at him, tell him he’s being totally inappropriate and crossing a line.

Of course it would be quiet resignation. Of course he’d keep a distance, so he wouldn’t send mixed signals. So Keith would understand that, no, he didn’t have a chance in hell.

“How long?” Keith asks hoarsely before clearing his throat. “When did you figure it out?”

Shiro gives him a gentle smile. “When you were fifteen.”

At that, Keith flushes. Yes, he’s been crushing for a long time, but he didn’t think it was that obvious. Besides, was he supposed to feel nothing for the strong, intelligent, beautiful man who took him in and taught him that he was worth something, when no one else had?

He didn’t expect Shiro to feel anything in return. He  _ didn’t _ . So, why the hell does his chest feel like it’s being pelted with meteors?

“Still too young for you, huh?”

He can’t help himself. The bitterness creeps through. Unrequited love is a painful bitch, especially when the last bit of hope has been stomped out like a burning cigarette.

“That’s not it, Keith,” Shiro says, his voice full of something that sounds suspiciously like pity, and it makes Keith’s guts boil. “You’re not a kid.”

“That makes it worse,” Keith whispers pathetically.

His eyes are welling with tears. Shiro doesn’t love him because he doesn’t love Keith, fundamentally, as a person. There’s nothing logistically stopping him--no familial relationship. Keith is an adult.

He just...doesn’t.

“You are so important to me,” Shiro tells Keith earnestly, like that’s supposed to help, when it really just gouges Keith’s heart even more. “Really. I’d be dead ten times over without you. You’ve saved me in so many ways.”

The first tears start to fall and Keith feels so, so tiny.

“You’re my best friend,” Shiro says. “And I’m sorry I haven’t been showing that, lately.”

“I don’t get it,” Keith says thickly. “How I can feel like this, and you don’t--”

“Keith, I  _ do _ love you,” Shiro emphasizes.

“Not like I love you.”

There’s silence. Then, “No. Not like that.”

Hot shame burns at Keith’s collar. He knew this was coming. He knew he’d be preaching his love to someone who could never return it. Yet, beneath all of that, there was hope. Just a glimmer of it. How many days of his life has he spent fantasizing about Shiro finally pulling him in for a kiss?

All of those fantasies shatter in an instant. And, the worst part?

The worst part is that glimmer of hope is still fucking shining.

“I’m sorry,” Keith blurts, standing abruptly.

“Keith--”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He heads towards the cockpit. Something dark coils around his heart. Something that feels uncomfortably like resentment. “Thanks for listening.”

A deep chasm of blackness swallows him up, and he revels in it. It’s better than looking at what truth is in the light. Here, in the sticky tar of his thoughts, he can finally, finally stop being so forgiving.

That’s when everything starts to boil.

\---

“Keith, I’m reading that you’re off course. Can you adjust by seven degrees, northbound?”

“Yes, Captain.”

Behind Shiro, on the bridge of the Atlas, Lance and Hunk exchange very uncomfortable glances.

Things have been...icy between Shiro and Keith. No one really knows what happened. Keith would like to keep it that way, so as to protect the very last scrap of his integrity. He doesn’t intend on sharing with the team that he was rejected by the only man he’s ever loved.

They don’t talk. This time, though, Keith isn’t trying. He’s kept to the formalities. Obviously, as the leader of Voltron and Captain of the Atlas, they  _ have _ to speak to one another. They need to plan together and work together. That doesn’t mean Keith has to treat it as anything other than a business relationship.

He’s being childish. He knows that. He knows. He just thinks that, after everything he’s done for Shiro, he might deserve a little indulgence into emotional immaturity.

They’re on a very ho-hum mission, gathering supplies from a nearby planet. The only problem is, the planet is surrounded by a cloud of satellites. Navigating the debris field requires a little guidance, and Keith can’t do it on his own. The Black Lion has a reputation, though, so they all decided it was best to send it down to the planet’s surface, just to give the locals peace of mind.

“You’re almost there. Ping us when you’re done and we’ll guide you back.”

“Sir.”

Keith snaps off the comms.

He can’t  _ stand _ it. It makes his skin crawl. It doesn’t help that other men are starting to realize the Golden Boy is single. Keith once turned a corner to see Shiro backed up against a wall by some guy--Shiro doesn’t know that he saw, but it was enough for the anger inside of Keith to start churning again.

_ Fucking _ disrespectful. He could at least pretend to care about how Keith feels.

Keith gathers the supplies, completely on autopilot. He steps into a little market that sells some specific part that Pidge asked for. Keith has no idea what the gadget could possibly do, but that’s why he’s not an engineer.

It’s hot on this little planet. He’s landed in a desert city, and it kind of looked like it was in the middle of wastelands. The citizens honestly look human, if it weren’t for their elf-like ears. Some look at Keith a little strangely, but nobody questions him. He wouldn’t want them to, anyway. Ninety percent of them are carrying makeshift long range guns.

One of the suns in the sky is starting to set--it looks a lot like Sol, but the second one is incredibly dim and bright green. It could almost pass for a star. Keith decides he’s explored enough for one day, and it was good to clear his head just a little.

When he makes it outside the walls of the city, the Black Lion stands proudly about half a mile away, a sprawling desert as her backdrop. On the horizon, Keith can see a dusty cloud. A sandstorm, huh? He slips his helmet on for extra protection. He better get moving.

He doesn’t get very far.

Something knocks him to the ground, shoving the breath from his lungs. The weight on his back is too much, and the sand is too difficult to grip. Too easily, his hands are yanked behind his back. He cries out as his shoulder dislocates with a snap.

“What the fuck are you?” asks a gruff voice. A vehicle kicks up sand as it swerves in front of him, and two more men leap out of it. “You’re not from around here, are you?”

“Let me go,” he warns, gritting his teeth through the stabbing pain in his shoulder. “You have no idea what you’re doing.”

“Seems to me like you’re all alone,” the man drawls. “A pretty thing like you shouldn’t be wandering the Wasteland like this.”

“I’m not alone,” Keith hisses. Desperately, he tries to make eye contact with Black. “Fuck--”

His comms are off. He can’t call for help. Damnit, why isn’t Black responding? 

“Keep him,” one of the men in front of him says. “He’s probably worth something, right? That damn king would do anything for a good warrior, these days. You a warrior, kid?”

_ Kid _ . It sends bitter bile up Keith’s throat. “Fuck off.”

The men whistle in response. The one who wants to  _ keep him _ steps in close.

The last thing he sees is a boot.

\--

“It’s taking too long.”

It’s been over six hours. Keith was only supposed to be gone for four, tops. Shiro decided it would be best to leave him be, to not try and ping him. He probably just needed time to himself. Now, they can’t get a hold of him at all. Something sour in Shiro’s gut tells him it’s not because Keith is being stubborn.

“Maybe he got caught up in a line at the market or something,” Lance suggests, though, his nonchalant attitude is cracking, and some worry slips into his voice.

“So, why isn’t he answering?” Shiro shoots back. It’s too terse. But, Keith is never late.

“Shiro, I’ll take you to the planet’s surface,” Allura suggests, a hand on Shiro’s arm. “It’s better to overreact, don’t you think?”

“Please,” he accepts instantly. “If something happened to him…”

The last thing Keith ever said to him was  _ Sir _ .

Shiro feels sick.

He hates it. He  _ wishes _ he loved Keith. That way, he wouldn’t have to see his best friend in agony. If Keith were in love with anyone else, and this was the result, Shiro would be furious. Keith would be a great partner. He’s devoted beyond the definition of the word. He’s intelligent. Strong, capable, understanding.

So, why? What’s stopping Shiro? 

There’s a wall in his heart, in his mind. Loving Keith would make so much sense. No one has ever shown Shiro so much forgiveness. Keith has grown up, and he’s drop dead gorgeous. Shiro would be lying if he said he never felt  _ attracted _ to Keith, now that he’s all lean muscle and sharp lines and grace incarnate. 

But, love? Romance, and kissing-- _ sex _ ? With Keith? No. No way in hell.

He still remembers when Keith was a scrawny kid, who barely came up to Shiro’s fucking ribcage. He remembers when Keith was an unruly teenager, fighting his leadership role with everything he had because he couldn’t adapt. He can’t forget that. 

Keith has  _ always _ had a crush on Shiro. He was painfully jealous of Adam. The other kids would tease him for it, but he would never deny it. The way he  _ looked _ at Shiro after his capture, like nothing had changed, like Shiro was still a good person. Shiro knows what being in love looks like.

Before he knows it, they’re in the cockpit of the Blue Lion, and Allura is taking her seat. Shiro awkwardly positions himself behind her. He and Allura have never been particularly close friends, so this is a bit weird, but he’s mostly worried about Keith.

They go through the motions. They have a path laid out before them, guiding them through the debris, same as Keith. Shiro is spacing out again, lost in his thoughts, until Allura interrupts them.

“What happened between you two, Shiro?”

The question takes him by surprise. “Um. Nothing. An argument, sort of.”

It’s quiet. Shiro can practically hear Allura’s thoughts racing, trying to decipher what they could possibly be arguing about.

“He told you.” Allura sighs and slouches back in her seat. 

Shiro flinches. “Yeah.”

“And, you rejected him.”

“...Yeah.”

Frankly, Allura is closer to Keith. She’s probably going to take his side over Shiro’s, and Shiro won’t blame her for it. You’re supposed to be mad at your friend’s unrequited love. Especially when their heart is ripped to pieces over it.

“I thought for sure you felt something,” Allura nearly whispers. “I encouraged him. We all did.”

Shiro feels his heart drop like a stone. “You knew?”

“When you were missing, he was...a wreck.” Allura’s gaze is distant as she recalls. “Inconsolable. During an argument, he just came out and said it. That he loved you. We told him, Keith, you  _ need _ to say something when we find him.”

“He told me at the clone facility,” Shiro says brokenly. He imagines Keith in tears, and it destroys him inside. “He said, ‘You’re my brother, I love you.’ I always knew, though. I knew it wasn’t brotherly. He just had to say it to me.”

“He’ll come around,” Allura encourages as they make their descent into the atmosphere. She flicks a few switches, pokes a few holographic buttons. “Besides, it’s not like he’ll never find anyone else.”

Shiro doesn’t respond. A storm brews inside him. He has no right to feel jealous when he doesn’t return Keith’s feelings. He can’t expect Keith to be alone forever. But, nobody else is going to share what they have--at least, Shiro hopes not.

When they land, it’s only paces from the Black Lion. It stands tall, shields up, which means Keith isn’t inside. The only thing surrounding them is sand, though, and it whips around the Blue Lion, razor sharp and sounding like needles against the hull.

“No prints,” Shiro notes grimly. “Not in this storm. We’ll have to go inside and ask the locals.”

Allura nods, and Shiro slips into his protective suit to ward off the sand. When they step outside, he’s nearly blown over. Without a suit, their skin would be torn off. At least, that’s what he thinks, until a dune buggy screams across the sand and blocks their path.

It has makeshift armor on the hood, messily assembled. Two men leap out of the sides, and while they’re wearing masks, their bare arms are completely exposed. They must be more adapted--or tough as hell.

“Where are you all coming from?” one of the men shouts over the storm. “A  _ pink  _ one? Didn’t we just deal with your friend?”

Shiro freezes.  _ Keith _ .

“Where is he?” he demands, reaching for his side pistol. Allura shouts in protest as he raises it without thinking. “Where did you take him?”

The men laugh. “He’s  _ ours _ , now. You should have seen him squirm.”

Shiro shoots at their feet.

“He’s alive,” Shiro says with confidence. “Where?”

The men continue to laugh. Shiro sees movement out of the corner of his eye, and Allura is snapping her whip, catching the men by their ankles and flipping them. Effortlessly, she tosses them to the side, and retracts her whip before rushing to the marauder’s buggy.

“Come on!” she shouts to Shiro, who is still gaping. He always forgets Allura can kick ass so efficiently.

Before the men can get up, he climbs into the passenger’s seat.

There’s a primitive radar on the dash, with a blinking red light and a white triangle. When Allura punches the gas, the triangle starts to move in the direction of the red light. It’s a map, sort of, and it’ll lead them to Keith.

“Probably to guide them through the storm,” Shiro says. All he can see in front of them is gray, with beige swirls of sand. “God, you can’t see anything.”

On the radar, there are dark green globs, and Allura quickly recognizes them as rocky hills among the dunes. She avoids them, barely, and they whiz past Shiro’s side of the buggy, uncomfortably close.

“You can slow down!” Shiro tells her, panicked. “I think we lost them!”

“We haven’t lost Keith,” she says through gritted teeth. “We will if we don’t haul ass.”

They  _ fly _ over the crest of a dune, and the buggy is airborne before it slams back into the sand, and the wheels squeal as Allura keeps her foot on the pedal. The blinking light is drawing ever closer, and when they finally reach it, they’re met with a fortress. Of sorts.

It’s got a fucking moat, of all things, and is made almost entirely of wood scraps and sheet metal. The gate opens, perhaps because the guards recognize the vehicle, and Shiro realizes they have seconds before they’re discovered.

“Make a run for it?” Allura suggests, and Shiro nods. “Three, two…”

And they go.

Instantly, the drawbridge gate starts to retract. Bullets that look like burning plasma barely miss them as they dash towards the gap, and Shiro’s lungs burn as he pumps his legs. Keith is in there, they have to make it--

When he leaps, he just barely catches the edge of the bridge and vaults himself over. Panicked, he worries about Allura, until he sees her dropping from the bridge into the stronghold.

They’re in.

It looks like...an arena? The walls provide a blessed break from the raging storm, and Shiro can finally see. The only problem is they’re surrounded by gates, and when the gates open, men start  _ pouring _ out, like lions in a Roman colosseum.

Allura breaks out her whip. “Find him.”

“What?!”

“I’ll hold them off,” Allura snaps. “Just find him, and be fast.”

There’s  _ got _ to be a hundred men. Allura is capable,  _ more _ than capable, but…

“ _ Now _ , Shiro!”

He starts running. There’s an entrance to a hallway, tucked away, and Shiro practically throws himself inside. It seems all the marauders are distracted by Allura, because Shiro manages to rush down the hall (which is more like a tunnel in the sandstone) until he finds a door with bars.

And there, slumped onto his side with his arms behind his back, is Keith.

Shiro  _ kicks _ the bars open, and rushes to his best friend’s side. Keith is unconscious, which is  _ bad _ , because there’s no way they’ll be able to carry Keith to the lions. They need a quick getaway, and they can’t be carrying dead weight.

Shiro slaps his cheek a little. “Keith.”

He doesn’t move.

He slaps a little harder, shakes him. “ _ Keith _ . Wake up.”

Shiro notices blood clotting Keith’s hair to his forehead. He becomes more desperate in an instant.

“Keith,” he hisses, shaking harder. “Please, come on.”

A tiny groan. Furrowed brows. Keith’s eyes crack open and Shiro could kiss him.

“Fuck,” Shiro whispers. “Hey. You good? It’s me, buddy. It’s Shiro.”

“Shiro…?” Keith repeats with delayed recognition. “I...they...I don’t know what happened.”

“Doesn’t matter,” Shiro dismisses quickly. “We’re getting you out of here.”

“You’re saving  _ me _ ?” Keith asks, and there’s the slightest hint of a smirk on his lips, so Shiro knows he’s too out of it to keep up his stubborn Hating-Shiro’s-Guts act. “I’m impressed, Shirogane.”

Shiro’s stomach flips. “Yeah. I’m saving you.”

\---

In the end, though, Blue saves the day, roaring into the arena and surrounding the group. When they finally limp back to the Black Lion, its shields drop. Shiro hears a deep purr somewhere in his consciousness, and Keith stiffens in his arms. Did he hear the same?

“Can you  _ not _ risk my life trying to play mediator?” Keith asks it grumpily. “Next time, please just save me.”

Oh.

Black knew Shiro would come to save Keith. Black knew its paladins needed to actually interact with one another. Black is trying to get them to make up.

He gives Black a sympathetic glance and an apology in his mind.  _ Sorry, Black. It’s not that easy. _

\--

Allura’s death hits them all like a freight train.

Lance is taking it the hardest. He’s fucking off to a farm, for God’s sake. Keith tried to talk him out of self isolation, even insisted there was a place in the Blades for him if he needed it. Lance had smiled, so genuine, and declined. 

At least Shiro went somewhere where Keith could follow. Lance’s love is gone forever. Lost in the stars and scattered across the universe.

Keith doesn’t waste time packing his things. He’s sick of Earth. He’s sick of how it reminds him of his past. He’s sick of being on the same planet as Shiro, who has already found a fucking boyfriend. Some guy from the Atlas. It doesn’t matter.

He’s over it. Totally over it. Keith is going to go with the Blades, fuck as many Galran men as he damn well pleases, and he’ll be completely over Shiro.

There’s a soft knock at his door.

Keith turns, expecting to see Pidge or Hunk or even Matt. He’s not expecting  _ him _ , all dressed up in his sharp uniform. 

God, he looks good.

Keith tears his eyes away.

“What?”

“I wanted to say goodbye,” Shiro says softly. “Considering your mom won’t tell me when you’ll be back again.”

_ I’m not coming back _ , he wants to say, but he knows he will. At some point. He can’t abandon the rest of his friends.

“Okay,” Keith says, stuffing a hoodie into a duffle bag. He won’t be wearing many hoodies on his travels, but he also has about three possessions, so he might as well take it. “Bye.”

“Keith.”

“ _ What _ ?” he asks, exasperated. “I’ll be back when I come back. That’s all. I’ll call you or something.”

Shiro scoffs bitterly. “No, you won’t.”

He wasn’t going to, but Shiro  _ saying _ that is enough to have Keith whirling around. “What do you want me to say? That I’ll miss you? That I’ll miss seeing you with your boyfriend? That I’m still in love with you?”

Shiro grimaces.

“I did everything for you, Shiro,” Keith says exasperatedly. “Everything. I literally dragged you back from the afterlife. I legitimately went to hell and back for you.”

“I don’t owe you romance, Keith,” Shiro finally snaps. “You’ve done so much for me--and I appreciate it, beyond what you can even understand. I owe you gratitude, for the rest of my life, but I don’t owe you that.”

“I didn’t say you did!” Keith shouts, finally feeling himself break. The war, Haggar, Allura’s death, everyone leaving. It spills out in a mess of ugly words. “I don’t--I don’t believe you don’t love me.”

Shiro stares. “What the fuck?”

“You heard me.” Keith’s face heats up and his eyes moisten and he hates it. “I think you’re scared. Whatshisname...he’s easy. He doesn’t have baggage like we do. He’s cut and dry, and you’re afraid of anything else.”

“You think I’d lie to you? You think I’d keep that from you?”

“You’d keep it from yourself,” Keith spits. “You hate that you almost killed me. You hate that I love you, despite that, despite  _ everything _ . You hate that I’m always going to love you, because the option will always be there, and you’re never going to take it.”

Shiro is speechless. Stunned into silence. Keith can see the gears turning. 

Shiro doesn’t know he loves Keith. Not yet. Keith can’t wait around for him to realize it. 

“I’m leaving,” he says. “And I’m going to complete missions, and fuck my way through the Blades. And I’m going to try to get over you, but I won’t, and that’s just how it is. That’s how life is.”

It’s silent. Keith zips his bag, slips his combat boots on and starts to tie them.

“Don’t go.”

Keith turns to look at him. “Are you in love with me?”

“No.”

“I can’t handle that,” Keith tells him. The admission still sends pangs of hurt through his heart. “I’m only so strong, Shiro. You broke my heart, and I need to try and heal.”

Shiro’s  _ crying _ . Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and Keith hasn’t seen him cry in years. It sends him reeling, and his instincts kick in, and all he wants to do is protectprotectprotect.

“Shit,” he says, stepping closer, like he’s approaching a wild animal. “Shiro, hey. I know you don’t owe me anything. I’m just...being a bitch.”

“I’m sorry,” Shiro sobs. “You deserved to fall in love with someone else. I want to give you so much, Keith, I--”

Keith’s heart crumbles. Everything collapses in on itself. He’s been a dick to Shiro for the past few months, all because the bitter blackness was chewing up his heart. He’s made Shiro feel so guilty.

“Don’t apologize,” Keith mutters. “I’m glad it was you, Shiro. If I’m going to be stuck on anyone for the rest of my life, I want it to be you.”

Jealousy is still eating away at him, and he still feels the sharp claws of self pity gnawing at his heart. But, maybe, there’s a middle ground. Maybe he can love Shiro, and learn to live with it. He’s been doing a pretty good job so far.

Shiro falls forward and wraps Keith in a hug.

It’s warm. Safe. Keith is tall enough now that he can tuck his chin into the nook of Shiro’s shoulder. He realizes, then, that this is the last hug they’ll share for God knows how long.

“Please be safe,” Shiro whispers.

“You, too,” Keith says back. “Or I’ll come rescue you.”

“Some things never change.”

\--

It’s only a year before they see each other again. They all decide it would be best to have a little get-together. Hunk offers to cook dinner. And, really, Keith appreciates it. It’s nice. When he first sees Pidge, they jump into his arms, significantly taller than they used to be.

“I missed you so much,” Pidge nearly squeals. “Your hair is so long!”

“Been growing it out,” Keith admits. He feels so, so naked without his Blade uniform, but he figured it would be best to wear casual clothes to their party. “I think I like it long.”

“You look like a Jedi,” Hunk appraises, and Keith greets him with a grin, and their hug is the most jovial thing Keith has felt in months. “Missed you, buddy.”

“I definitely get a hug, right?” he hears Lance say, and Keith laughs. “ _ Right _ ?”

“Only because you asked,” Keith smirks, and theirs is one-armed, brotherly and more than they’ve ever had together.

He can’t help himself. It’s ingrained into his goddamn DNA. “Where’s Shiro?”

“He’ll be here,” Hunk confirms. “He’s running a little late. He got into a fight with his boyfriend or something.”

Keith quickly squashes the feeling of satisfaction. He shouldn’t be happy that his best friend’s relationship is rocky. 

As it turns out, Shiro is only fifteen minutes late, and runs up to them looking thoroughly apologetic. “Shit, guys, I’m sorry. You’d think I’d plan a little better for this.”

“You’re always late,” Keith tells him, but his tone is only fondness. “But, it’s better than not showing up.”

Their eyes meet. Shiro’s expression falters. His gaze traces up and down Keith’s body, and Keith suddenly feels hot, and his blood starts racing. He’s never seen that look before. 

Whoa.

“Keith,” Shiro breathes out. “You...you look good.”

Keith is rather impressed with himself when he takes it in stride. “I get a lot of exercise, these days.”

He  _ loves _ the look on Shiro’s face as he tries to decipher that statement.

“Dinner is served,” Hunk announces, plating his final dish. “Everybody get over here and take your damn seats before it gets cold.”

It’s good conversation. Good company. The first part of dinner is about catching up, and they laugh until the sun goes down, and the only thing lighting the table is the lamps in the garden. Coran brings out the nunvil, finally, and they dive into that with enthusiasm. Keith’s toes and fingers start to tingle about three cups in.

Then, Coran goes to bed, and after they all bid goodnight, Pidge takes out a plastic bag and dangles it in front of them.

“Anyway, let’s get to the good stuff.”

“You’re amazing,” Lance tells Pidge. “I haven’t smoked in, like, six years.”

“Bit young,” Shiro accuses, which causes Keith to snort.

“I was sixteen the first time you smoked with me,” he points out.

“No  _ way _ ,” Hunk gawks. “ _ You _ ? Golden Boy? Smoking with a  _ cadet _ ?”

Pidge shrugs and starts to grind a little nugget. “I’m sure he did worse than that.”

“The  _ only _ reason I’m telling you this is because I’m a little tipsy,” Shiro starts. “But. I definitely may have gotten fucked in the simulator when I was a cadet.”

“Fucking  _ gross _ , dude!” Lance exclaims as everyone’s jaw drops. “I sat in those chairs!”

Shiro raises his hands innocently. “They get cleaned. For the most part.”

Keith can’t even imagine a cadet Shiro getting fucked. In fact, he’d like to not think about it at all. Because, of course, he’s over it.

Shiro shoots Keith a private glance, then looks away with a smug little smirk on his face.

Keith’s eyebrows shoot up.

It was  _ payback _ . For Keith’s exercise comment. 

His revelation is interrupted when Pidge passes him the smoldering bowl, thumb pressed tightly against the pipe to keep the ember burning. “Sixteen, huh? You remember how to do it?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Keith mutters. “I’m not that old.”

To Pidge’s credit, after Keith takes a hit, he nearly coughs up a lung. 

After about twenty minutes, they are good and crossfaded. Everything feels very light, and Keith finds himself leaning closer to Shiro. For the warmth, of course. It’s getting chilly. 

That turns into touching shoulders, and then Keith is pushing into Shiro, and then Shiro has his arm around Keith. Shiro’s fingers are toying with the strands of Keith’s hair that are wisping out of his ponytail.

Is this a good idea? No. Objectively.

But, it feels really,  _ really _ good.

Lance is the first to go to bed. Hunk is soon to follow, and Pidge desperately tries to stay awake for the sake of not wanting the day to end. They drag themselves away from the table once Shiro tells them they look like they’re about to pass out.

“Thanks for hanging out, you guys,” Pidge tells them. “It means a lot. I’m glad we didn’t split up forever.”

Keith gives them a warm smile. “Never forever, Pidge.”

Then, there were two.

“We should go to bed,” Shiro says, and  _ fuck _ his voice is deep and rumbly and perfect. Keith nearly shivers.

“We should,” Keith agrees.

“You gonna get up?”

“You’re comfy,” Keith says, and he knows it’s risky, but he doesn’t care. “Don’t want you to go away.”

“I’ll walk you to your room.”

They’re staying in the New Altean palace, which is reminiscent of the Castle but not quite the same. It’s actually a fuckton of a lot bigger, and Keith would easily get lost, but Shiro knows his way around. Keith clings to him, and when he stumbles over his feet, Shiro has to stifle his own laughter.

When they’re standing outside of Keith’s room, Keith doesn’t step back. He bites his lip. There’s liquid courage and smoky confidence in his system. He  _ wants _ . His body aches.

He turns around and presses himself against Shiro’s chest.

“Come in with me.”

Shiro’s breath catches. His hands are gripping Keith’s waist, and they’re so big, and Keith whimpers a little at the contact. He hasn’t gotten laid in three months. Keith is pretty insatiable, these days--his peers have told him it’s “second puberty” which, for Keith, is his  _ third _ puberty, after he transitioned. In short, he’s used to the urges, but that doesn’t make them any less intense.

“Keith…”

“Just for tonight,” Keith implores. His voice sounds breathy, even to himself. “And then I won’t ask for anything, ever again.”

Shiro shifts his weight. “It’s a bad idea.”

“You were cuddling me.”

“I was--it was platonic.”

Keith raises an eyebrow.

“I didn’t think you’d want...this.”

“I’ve always wanted this,” Keith reminds him. He leans forward, until his lips are brushing the shell of Shiro’s ear. “Used to dream about you coming to my room at night.”

“Fuck,” Shiro whispers.

“It doesn’t have to change anything,” Keith assures him. “But, I saw how you looked at me. You want it, too.”

Keith knows this is bad. He knows. He shouldn’t be taking whatever he can get. He knows this is the next best thing to the real thing, and Shiro doesn’t love him, and it wouldn’t make a difference.

But, maybe it would.

Shiro opens the door. Keith guides him inside, and they barely make it through the doorway before Keith is on him.

His  _ world _ ignites. He’s been waiting so long to feel Shiro’s lips against his. Everything blooms when they kiss, like a world of color behind Keith’s eyes. Keith clings, dragging his fingers through Shiro’s cropped hair, moaning into his mouth.

Shiro’s arms wrap around him, slowly at first, and then Shiro is taking handfuls. His nails scratch at Keith’s back, and he moans, too. Keith presses Shiro back against the wall and slots a thigh between his legs.

Shiro breaks the kiss to gasp--he’s already hard, and fuck, he’s  _ big _ . Keith almost squeaks. Okay, that’s...unexpected. 

“Keith,” Shiro groans, sounding wrecked. “Fuck, you’re…”

“I’m what?” Keith asks, quiet, as he grinds his thigh against Shiro’s hardon. “Tell me.”

“You look so good,” Shiro pants. One of his hands comes up to grip Keith’s hair, to tug at it, and Keith thinks he might be dreaming. “I couldn’t stop staring at you.”

“I saw,” Keith purrs. “You looked a little overwhelmed.”

“I’ve never...wanted you, before,” Shiro says, so quietly that Keith has to strain his hearing. “But, now…”

“You can have me,” Keith tells him. “You can do whatever you want to me, Shiro.”

Shiro pushes him to the bed. Keith falls against the soft mattress, and it’s not a dream this time when Shiro crawls over him. It’s real. Shiro is looking at him like he’s the most precious gem in the universe, and he reaches for Keith’s jacket to push it off his shoulders.

Keith helps undress himself in a daze. Shiro rears back to unbutton his uniform, slipping it off his shoulders, revealing his undershirt. And when he takes  _ that _ off, well, Keith realizes this is actually fucking happening.

He doesn’t get a chance to speak before Shiro is back on him, kissing him, fiery hot and deep. Their skin is burning against each other, searing, and Keith has to push his hips off the bed to work on sliding off his jeans. And, just like that, he’s in front of Shiro wearing only his boxers.

“You’re beautiful,” Shiro whispers, staring like he’s seeing Keith for the first time in his life.

Keith hasn’t ever thought of himself as beautiful. He knows he’s good looking, and he knows he’s got a decent body, but nobody has ever called him  _ beautiful _ except Takashi fucking Shirogane.

He doesn’t realize he’s shedding tears until Shiro wipes them away, and smiles at him, rubbing his flesh thumb across Keith’s cheek.

“You didn’t know that?”

“Seems like you didn’t, either, until just now,” Keith says, his voice small.

“Let me take care of you, beautiful,” Shiro hushes him. 

Keith watches, a bit stunned, as Shiro pulls away his boxers. His heart is pounding in his chest, but he doesn’t feel embarrassed as he spreads his thighs, giving Shiro access between them. Because Shiro looks at him like he’s the only thing in the world.

He’s been eaten out before. It’s not his favorite thing in the world. Mostly because nobody really knows what they’re doing. They’re sloppy, or unfocused, or they just don’t care. He truthfully expects the same from Shiro, a gay man, whom he knows has never had a trans partner.

But, Shiro cares. It makes all the difference. 

Keith jerks when Shiro’s tongue laps at his clit, and holy shit,  _ Shiro _ is between his legs. That alone is enough to have Keith reaching down to pull at Shiro’s hair. Shiro moans, using his tongue to tease, and he’s guessing, but he’s a pretty damn good guesser.

Shiro circles Keith’s swollen clit with his tongue, before dipping lower, tasting him. Keith feels Shiro’s warm tongue inside him, pushing against his walls, and he thinks he’s going to overheat or die. Or both.

“Fuck, Shiro,” he whines, pushing his hips into it. “You’re so good. Oh, my god.”

Shiro isn’t shy--he pushes a finger inside of Keith’s cunt, and Keith squirms, fisting at the sheets. He wants more. He wants Shiro. This is nice, this is wonderful, but he needs it.

“I want it,” he whimpers. “Shiro, please, I want it.”

“Patience, beautiful,” he hums, flicking his tongue across Keith’s sensitive clit. “I’m enjoying myself.”

“I need it,” Keith pleads. “Please, I need your cock.”

_ That _ catches Shiro’s attention. His eyes are dark when he looks back at Keith, and he’s only had about two minutes of foreplay, but Keith never wanted foreplay. He wanted to cut straight to the fucking.

Straight to what he’s always dreamed about.

Shiro steps away from the bed and unbuckles his belt. Keith watches, eyes hooded and cunt throbbing, as Shiro’s cock comes free. He practically starts drooling. 

“I hope you know I’d do anything to suck your dick,” Keith says. “But we can save that for later.”

Shiro smirks as he crawls back over Keith, cock heavy between his legs, and he leans close to Keith’s ear. “Maybe after I’ve fucked you.”

Oh, god. Cleaning himself off of Shiro. Fuck.

“You better get inside me,” Keith demands, though it’s hardly forceful. “Before I push you over and do it myself.”

“You’re not very prepared,” Shiro reminds him, even though he’s lining himself up, the head of his leaking cock pressing against Keith’s cunt.

“I don’t care,” Keith says. “I thought about this--so many times.”

Shiro’s cock is so thick. He has to try a few times to stretch Keith, until he’s able to fit inside, inch by inch. Keith’s pussy accommodates him, barely, and he tosses his head back, baring his neck.

Shiro latches on with his teeth. He leaves bites and bruises along Keith’s pale skin, groaning against the marks when he finally bottoms out.

“You’re so tight,” Shiro groans.

Keith’s body flushes hot. “Yeah? You gonna fuck me open?”

“Don’t talk like that,” Shiro huffs. “You don’t know what you’re doing to me.”

“Yes, I do.” Keith wraps his ankles around Shiro’s waist. “Fuck me. Make me sore.”

Keith is so full. Shiro fills him up so well, slots together with him like a puzzle piece. Keith feels parts of his mind numbing as Shiro presses against  _ every _ good place inside of him.

Shiro starts to move, starts to fuck him. The drag inside of him, the friction, the heat--Keith cries out, widening the space between his thighs to give Shiro better access. It’s not deep enough, damnit, he wants it to be deeper. He wants to feel Shiro’s cock in his throat.

“Turn me over,” Keith pants out, desperate. “Please, I want it.”

“You wanna be fucked from behind?” Shiro asks darkly. “Roll over.”

Keith does  _ not _ need to be told twice.

As soon as Keith is on his knees, Shiro is pushing back inside, and Keith feels it everywhere. God, it’s so deep, and Shiro starts to  _ fuck _ him. Hard. Keith’s face is pressed into the mattress as Shiro uses his body, and Keith loves it. He loves every second of it. He would be Shiro’s toy forever, if he could, just a pretty hole for him to use.

“Shiro,” he gasps, helpless. “Oh, fuck--”

It’s fucking filthy. The sounds, the heat in the air, the way Shiro’s fingers thread through Keith’s ponytail until he unties it. Keith is so wet, so full. 

“Keith,” Shiro groans. “Come for me.”

It’s so easy, following Shiro’s orders. 

He stops breathing as his orgasm rocks through him and shakes him to his core. Shiro’s cock is making him come. Shiro. And it’s Shiro who is close behind, sent over the edge by Keith tightening around him. It’s Shiro filling him up with cum, shoving himself deep inside to make sure he doesn’t spill a single drop.

It’s quiet. 

Shiro pulls out, and Keith collapses. He feels  _ so _ fucked out. He barely manages to roll over, and Shiro crawls into bed next to him, breathing hard, pulling the blanket over them as gingerly as he can.

“So,” Keith mutters after a few moments. “Um. That happened.”

Shiro shuffles closer, pressing his nose into Keith’s hair. “You were perfect.”

Keith glows under the praise. For one glorious moment, he gets to pretend that he and Shiro are together, holding each other in their marriage bed. It’s so damn sappy, and Keith would hate it were he not drunk, high, and tingling from an orgasm.

“Thank you,” Keith whispers. “It meant a lot.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Shiro tells him. “I was being selfish.”

“So was I.”

But they were selfish for different reasons, and Keith knows it.

He knows.

\---

In the morning, Shiro is gone, and Keith is leaking his cum.

Keith checks his phone. There are no messages. There’s no sentimental note on his pillow. 

Last night, in the throes of it, Keith thought about being used. How he would love to be Shiro’s plaything. Sexy at the time, of course, because Shiro was  _ there _ , calling him beautiful and perfect.

Now, the bed is cold. The cum between his legs is cold. And it hits him, then, that Shiro truly did use him like a toy.

It does not feel sexy. Keith pulls his knees to his chest and cries.

\--

The wedding invitation comes six months later.

Keith stares at it blankly for what feels like hours. It shines innocently back at him on his datapad. It’s written in gorgeous calligraphy. He doesn’t pay attention to the other name. All he sees is  _ Takashi Shirogane _ in golden, soft strokes. There’s a date. A location. Keith doesn’t care.

He doesn’t care.

They haven’t talked about it.

They’re never  _ going _ to talk about it. This time, the silence between them isn’t passive aggressive or fueled by broken hearts. It’s just...done. It’s over. When Shiro left that morning without any note, without a goddamn text, he ended it. Just like that. And, now, he’s sending out wedding invitations, and Keith  _ doesn’t care _ .

Yes, he’s thought about the fact that Shiro had a boyfriend when they fucked. Keith didn’t take it too seriously. He’s always figured it wasn’t  _ that _ great of a relationship if it only took a sly glance and some whispered words for Shiro to go to bed with someone else. 

Maybe it’s a different boyfriend. Maybe Shiro got engaged to someone after six months of dating. Maybe Keith would know if he had ever bothered to ask the motherfucker’s name.

He doesn’t realize tears are starting to fall until he sees droplets on his datapad, and that’s when he throws it to the side. He doesn’t. Care.

Krolia walks into the lounge, then. It’s late, so everyone else on the ship is asleep, but Krolia often stays up to work. 

“Keith?” She steps closer. “I saw the light on. Can’t sleep?”

But, then she sees the tear trails on his cheeks. She sharply sucks in a breath, and steps closer, eyes narrowing when she sees the datapad. She inclines her head to read its screen, and Keith lets her, because she’s going to find out eventually.

Keith sniffs.

“Oh, Keith,” Krolia whispers. He hates how her voice is dripping with pity. He’s so sick of  _ pity _ . “I’m so sorry.”

Keith has never felt so young around his mother. He didn’t grow up with her, but suddenly, he’s a teenager all over again, and he knows his emotions are about as childish as getting rejected at prom.

Krolia sits on the lounge couch with him, and hesitates for just a moment. She started to be a mother when Keith was already independent. She’s never seen Keith cry about losing his crush to someone else, so she’s probably at a loss. In time, though, she wraps her arm around Keith’s shoulder and pulls him close, and that makes him break down.

“He means everything to me, Mom,” Keith sobs. God, he’s pathetic. “Everything.”

They haven’t spoken in six fucking months, but if you told Keith that Shiro had gotten into an accident, he’d be on a ship to Earth in the next hour. He  _ hates _ it. He wishes so badly that he could let this shit  _ go _ . Nine years is too long to wait for someone.

“I know,” Krolia says gently, brushing through Keith’s ponytail. “I’ve never loved anyone other than your father.”

Keith hiccups. “Really?”

“I tried. But, something about him just took me, and I don’t know. Maybe there’s something to the concept of soulmates.”

“He doesn’t love me  _ back _ ,” Keith groans. “We can’t be soulmates if he’s with someone else.”

Krolia is quiet for a moment. “He spent that night with you.”

One of the benefits of meeting your mother when you’re twenty-years-old, and seeing each other’s timeline due to the semi-magical qualities of a quantum rip in reality, is feeling comfortable telling her about your sexual exploits. At the time, Keith had told her about his night with Shiro flippantly, convinced that Shiro would text him in three days and try to talk about it. Obviously, he left out the gritty details, but she knows pretty much everything about his relationship, or lack thereof, with Shiro.

“It didn’t mean anything,” Keith says bitterly through his tears that continue to fall. The worst part is, something nags at him and tells him that’s not true. “He used me. He basically just confirmed it.”

“Do you want to go?” 

That  _ is _ the question. Does he want to see the love of his life walk down the aisle to some man he’s never met? Is he strong enough to act happy about that? Actually, is he strong enough to deny Shiro that support, after so many years of leaping through stars for him?

“Yes,” he mutters. His body isn’t wracked with tremors, now. He’s exhausted, defeated. “I can’t  _ not _ go.”

“I’ll go with you,” Krolia promises. “If we need to make a quick getaway, we can. How’s that sound?”

Keith nods. “Yeah. Thanks, Mom.”

“Get some sleep, Keith,” she says, rubbing his back. “You have a mission tomorrow.”

And, so it goes. 

Keith distracts himself with missions. He fucks as many Blades as possible. He keeps trying to forget, and there’s a time limit on when he needs to get over this. By the wedding, he has to feel nothing.

\--

Keith wants to die.

He reviews his reflection in the mirror. Everyone is supposed to wear white, so he’s donning a crisp suit, accented with a bright red tie. Pidge, Hunk, and Lance are behind him, freaking out because Matt tried to cut his own hair and it looks pretty awful. Lance is moaning dramatically about Matt used to be  _ so hot _ .

Keith looks absolutely miserable. He can’t hide it. Romelle tried desperately to do his makeup, but in the end, she just gave him a painfully sympathetic glance and told him he looked great.

Everyone fucking knows, they’re just trying not to talk about it. 

Shiro finally contacted him, about a week after the invitation, to ask Keith to be his best man. Keith didn’t respond for four days. He couldn’t believe the  _ nerve _ . To not even mention the night they shared, and ask Keith to be the biggest part of his wedding? To ask him to make a speech? Keith was fuming.

He can’t say no to Shiro, though. He did it once, when he was leaving Earth. He had one moment of resolve when he tried to protect himself. And then he saw Shiro a year later, and that carefully crafted shell cracked.

So, here he is, and he’s Shiro’s best man.

“You look awesome, man,” Lance tells him, after he’s finished grieving the loss of Matt’s hair. “Look at you--dapper as hell.”

“I feel like shit”

“You’re taking that well,” Lance says. “All you have to do is make it through the ceremony.”

“And the fucking speech.”

Lance’s expression hardens. “You don’t have to give one.”

“Yes, I do,” Keith laughs bitterly. “I’m supposed to be over it. I’m supposed to be happy for him.”

“Do what you have to do.” Lance puts a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Protect yourself, remember?”

He remembers.

Doesn’t mean he’s gonna do it.

He’s pretty sure he dissociates the entire ceremony. He doesn’t remember how he gets to be standing next to the altar, he just ends up there. There’s flowers, there’s rice being tossed into the air. Keith grits his teeth when he watches Shiro get swooped up into a kiss. It’s the first time he’s ever seen Shiro kiss another man.

The reception is just as gorgeous and it brings bile to Keith’s mouth. It’s fucking disgusting. And he probably would never think that about his own wedding, but this guy has no  _ idea _ what it means to have Shiro on his arm. No clue. Has he fallen to his death, gripping Shiro’s hand, making sure Shiro was the last thing he sees? Hell no, he hasn’t, so how could he know what it means?

And then, it’s time for his speech. Keith has cards. He honestly compiled a copy from a bunch of best man speeches he found online. He thought it would be easier to just stand there, read someone else’s words, and sit back down.

But, when he glances at Shiro, the man is beaming at him. He’s expecting something from the heart. Who is Keith to deny him of that? Who is Keith to ruin Shiro’s day with a shitty speech?

He puts the cards in his back pocket.

“I’ve known Shiro for a long time,” Keith starts. His voice is shaking. His friends awkwardly exchange looks with one another. “He was there for me when no one else was. He made me believe I was someone important. I know for a fact I wouldn’t be here today without him.”

Shiro’s smile falters.

“Anyone who has that in their life forever is lucky as hell. Shiro’s the type to leap into battle for you. He’d do anything to keep you safe. He’d risk everything to make sure you’re happy.”

He feels Lance’s hand on his knee, silently reminding him that he can stop. He can walk away. But, Keith can’t walk away anymore. If he doesn’t do this, the pain will never stop. This is his own closure.

“I know you’ll live a good life with him,” Keith directs at Shiro’s husband. “You’d be crazy to let his love go to waste. I never got a chance to tell you this, but if you hurt him, I’ll come for you.”

This causes laughter in the crowd, but Keith is not smiling.

“Shiro, you mean everything to me.” Lance squeezes his knee. Keith keeps going. Shiro’s brows are knitted together. “I’d die for you. I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done for you, and I’d do it again.”

The crowd is completely quiet.

“I’ll back you through everything. Even this. If you’re happy, I’ll be right there with you, holding you up. You’ll always be my best friend, okay?”

And, it’s not a very eloquent ending, but Keith takes his seat. There’s an uncomfortable silence, but he keeps his head down, and the groom’s father laughs shakily as he puts the ceremony back on its tracks.

He feels Shiro’s eyes on him for the rest of the night.

Keith ignores it. He gets drunk at the open bar. Some guy comes up to him, smooth talks him, and puts a hand on his hip. Keith is used to casual fucking, by now, and the guy is hot enough. Keith’s judgement is significantly impaired, so they wander off together to find a secluded area of the venue. This happens to be in a courtyard, pressed against an arbor, with vines scratching the back of his neck. The guy kisses him sloppily, and shoves a hand down Keith’s pants, and shoves a finger inside him unceremoniously.

“Keith.”

He breaks away from the guy to see Shiro. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Shiro asks incredulously. It scares the guy off. He stutters something unintelligible, and scampers away.

Keith rolls his eyes--so much for forgetting. “I’m fucking someone.  _ Was _ fucking.”

“At my wedding?” Shiro scoffs.

“Why the fuck do you care?” Keith accuses. “You’re getting laid tonight. Why can’t I?”

Shiro shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re incredible.”

“Thank you.” Keith tries to brush past Shiro to find his way back to the reception, so he can meet up with his mom and go the fuck home. Shiro, however, grips his forearm and stops him.

“What the hell was that speech?” Shiro asks him aggressively. “ _ I’d die for you _ ? My husband was sitting  _ right  _ there.”

“Yes, I saw him. Me being endlessly devoted to you is not exactly a secret. To anyone. Why should it be hidden from him?”

“I’m fucking  _ married _ to him.”

“So, he should know! Maybe if you had told him you rammed me into the mattress when you were crossfaded, it wouldn’t come as such a surprise!”

Shiro looks like he’s been slapped. “That was a mistake.”

Keith feels a sharp knife twist in his stomach, but he knows. He knows Shiro thought of it as a lapse in judgement. That doesn’t make it true.

“Do you call him beautiful?” Keith asks with venom. “Do you tell him he’s perfect?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Mistake, my ass.” Keith rips his arm out of Shiro’s grasp. “I saw the look on your face. You can’t lie to me, Shiro, even if you want to lie to your husband.”

When he walks away, he knows he’s planted a seed, and he can’t help but smirk to himself as Shiro watches him go in stunned silence.

\---

In August, it’s time for their yearly dinner together.

Keith’s hair is finally long enough to make a plait and swing over his shoulder. He rebraids it about six times. He even throws on some eyeliner to make his eyes pop.

Yes, he shaved. He’s an idiot. He hates himself for it. But, the memory of last year is poignant in his mind, and he can’t ignore the off-chance that just maybe…

He shakes his head and banishes the thought. No. He’s over it. Yet again, he hasn’t spoken to Shiro in six months, and it’s been peaceful.

It’s also been devastatingly painful. After promising Shiro he’d always be there, in front of about a hundred people, he left and didn’t look back. It’s probably best for him. It’s probably healthier. But, it feels like shit, and he can’t stand it, and he wants so badly to feel Shiro inside him again.

At this point, he doesn’t care if Shiro loves him or not. He’s whipped, regardless. Maybe he should just learn to survive with that.

Shiro says a very cordial hello to him. Keith responds in turn, and everyone else looks at them like they’re about to explode on each other. But, they don’t. They sit down at the table, they eat, and they talk with their friends. The only difference from last year is that Shiro doesn’t drink or smoke. 

Keith doesn’t want to take that as a sign that Shiro doesn’t trust himself around him, but he does. A horrible smugness burns in his chest. 

They don’t go to bed together. The night ends, and they go their separate ways, and Keith treads back to his room. He’s noticed that the connection between the paladins is fading just a little. It was going to happen eventually, and Keith isn’t sure whether or not he feels sad about it. 

Maybe it’s time. Maybe Keith should finally go off with the Blades into deep space, traveling for years until he’s too far from Earth to be reached.

Just as Keith shrugs off his jacket and throws it onto a chair in the corner, there’s a knock at his door.

He already knows who it is. Keith takes a deep breath and steels himself. Stay calm. Don’t cause a scene. They’ve been causing a lot of scenes in the past few years.

The door swishes open, and there is Shiro, and Keith thinks he sees a flash of guilt. Apprehension. Immediately, Keith knows what he wants, and he doesn’t feel as satisfied as he thought he would. Reality hits him. Shiro is married.

Yet, he’s here.

“It’s not a good idea,” Keith says, echoing Shiro’s statement from a year ago. “You’re married, Shiro.”

“I just want to talk,” Shiro says softly, half-heartedly, like he’s lying through his teeth.

Talk, huh? Keith can talk. He steps to the side and gives Shiro a path through the doorway. When they’re finally cut off from the rest of the world, Keith feels like a trapped animal. He knows where this is going, where it ends.

They’re on the brink of falling apart, and this would destroy them. Shiro would never want to talk to him again, eaten alive by guilt. After all this time, all this heartache, Keith would be without Shiro.

“What do you want to talk about?” Keith nearly whispers.

Shiro looks at him. Just looks. 

He’s closing the few feet between them and gripping Keith’s face in his hands before kissing him hard.

Keith gasps. For a moment, he forgets. About the marriage, about last year, about Shiro feeling nothing. Because he’s kissing Shiro, and when he does that, everything else falls away. It’s been so long, and he’s reminded that it’s the best feeling in the world.

He’s only brought back to Earth when Shiro slides his hands up Keith’s shirt, fingers ghosting over Keith’s abs.

“We can’t,” Keith breathes against his lips. “Shiro, I can’t--”

“Please,” Shiro begs. Keith goes weak. “I never stopped thinking about you. I tried so hard.”

Keith tried, too. But, it’s a lot harder to forget true love than it is to forget a good fuck.

The ring on Shiro’s finger is ice cold against his skin. It makes Keith’s heart pound faster, to know this is wrong, that they shouldn’t be doing this. “Shiro, you’re married. You have a husband.”

Shiro is kissing along Keith’s neck, now. Keith could push him off if he really wanted to, but he doesn’t. Not a cell in his body would push this away.

“I need this,” Shiro pleads. “I need you.”

Well.  _ That _ does Keith in.

Shiro doesn’t love him, but his hands are acting like he does. Keith falls apart. His head lolls back and he lets Shiro devour him, rolling his hips forward, grinding against Shiro, who is already hard.

“When I saw you with that guy,” Shiro huffs against his skin, “I almost lost it. He had his hand in your pants like it was nothing.”

“It didn’t mean anything,” Keith assures him. “I haven’t felt anything since us.”

Shiro grips his hair, presses their foreheads together. “God, you can’t just say that.”

Maybe if Keith pours his heart out, Shiro will stop, and they can pretend this never happened and nobody will get hurt. “You’re the only one, Shiro. You’ve always been the only one.”

Shiro gets Keith’s shirt over his head, and Keith whimpers when Shiro rolls his nipples between his fingers. It’s so good, Keith almost wants to cry. How many times has he dreamt about this since last year? He’s never wanted anything so badly in his life.

“Get on the bed,” Keith tells Shiro, giving him a gentle nudge. “Let me take care of you, this time.”

Shiro falls backwards onto the mattress. Keith makes quick work of Shiro’s pants, getting them around his ankles before taking them off with his shoes. Shiro just lets him, and watches Keith like he’s memorizing every movement.

Keith crawls over him, takes Shiro’s cock into his hand and strokes it until Shiro groans. The weight feels so good, and it’s so thick, and Keith can’t wait to have it inside of him any way he can get.

He’s been dying to suck Shiro off since he saw this cock, and he’s not about to let this opportunity go to waste.

When Keith closes his lips around Shiro, the older man pushes his hips up by instinct. But, Keith is skilled, and takes it like a professional. He opens his throat, breathes through his nose, and lets Shiro push as deep as he wants. When he glances up at Shiro through his lashes, he sees the man with his head thrown back. Shiro’s hand grips Keith’s hair and pulls forward.

Once again, Keith is made wetter thinking about Shiro fucking his mouth like a toy.

He uses his hand to stroke and hollows his cheeks, absolutely sure that he’s giving Shiro the best head he’s ever had. His husband probably doesn’t do this, anymore. Maybe that’s why Shiro needs this so badly. Keith is more than willing to give.

“Ride me,” Shiro moans. “Wanna--come inside.”

Oh, fuck. Keith’s breath leaves him in a rush.

It’s too easy to take off his pants. Too easy to position himself over Shiro’s cock. Embarrassingly easy to slide down onto it, taking him slowly but steadily, as Shiro finds his hands and grips them with his own.

“So thick,” Keith whines, rocking his hips to get Shiro deeper. “You’re so big, Shiro…”

“You like it big, beautiful?” Shiro asks, and Keith can’t breathe when he hears the pet name. “You like when I split you open?”

Keith arches his back, and nods, and Shiro thrusts his hips up. Keith cries out as he’s fully seated, Shiro pressing inside of him to his limits. One day, they’ll focus on foreplay for more than a minute. 

Because Keith wants more. He’s not going to be able to live without this cock, after this.

“Look at you,” Shiro marvels, his hands moving to Keith’s hips so he can pull the man down onto his cock. Keith’s mind goes blank. “That’s all it takes?”

“You fill me up so good,” Keith moans. “Oh, fuck--”

He doesn’t bounce. He just rocks his hips back and forth, never wanting Shiro to leave him. It feels better when Shiro’s cock rubs against his walls, hitting every sensitive spot at once. Keith mindlessly grips at his own hair, with one hand on Shiro’s chest to stabilize himself.

He usually needs to rub his clit to get off when someone is inside him. Now, he doesn’t. Shiro throbs, and Keith thinks about how badly he wants that hot, thick cum to fill him up.

“I’m gonna cum,” Keith gasps, a moan ripped from him as Shiro bumps his cervix. “Please, please--”

“Good boy,” Shiro praises with a tight voice. He’s on the edge, too. “Come on my cock, beautiful.”

He  _ loves _ that he can cum when Shiro directs him to. That voice just bleeds into his mind and flips a switch, and his body shakes with an orgasm. His ears ring and he sees white, and Shiro doesn’t stop fucking him. Even when Keith stops moving, Shiro thrusts up and pulls down. Keith feels dumb as he gets fucked hard until Shiro finally empties inside of him.

Keith sobs. It’s a good sob. It’s one of those sounds made after great sex, when he can roll off and fall onto the bed and revel in how good his cunt feels. Nice and sore and used.

Cum leaks onto his thighs. He loves the feeling, being covered in Shiro’s cum, dripping it, because it’s too much to fit in his pussy.

Shiro smirks, reaching over to push the cum back inside of Keith with his fingers. Sensitive, Keith whimpers, tears slipping from his eyes as he watches Shiro play with him.

That was one hell of a reunion fuck.

Shiro’s wedding band has been on the whole time.

“So good,” Keith pants. “Want more…”

“After you sleep, angel,” Shiro whispers. Keith isn’t sure if he imagines the endearment or not. 

\---

Keith wakes up to a hand carding through his hair. When he opens his eyes, he sees Shiro, smiling softly at him.

“You stayed,” Keith says in wonder, stopping Shiro’s hand with his own.

“I don’t want to run from you anymore.”

Keith can’t keep the goofy smile off his face. Shiro’s here. In bed, with him, after they fucked the night before. It’s too good to be true, right?

“What about…?”

Shiro bites his lip. His expression darkens, and he sits up, the sheets pooling in his lap. Keith follows, scooting closer until he can hold Shiro’s hand. As if that will take the guilt away.

“I think I fucked up.”

Keith’s heart leaps. He doesn’t dare breathe, doesn’t dare interrupt Shiro after he’s said something like that. The silence is imploring, begging Shiro to continue.

“I think...you were right. I  _ was _ scared. You’re the only person who would do anything for me, and I didn’t want to fuck it up and lose that. But, pulling away, and not letting myself  _ feel _ ended up with this. Distance between us.”

Keith tears up. 

No way. 

No fucking way.

“I’m sorry.” Shiro’s voice wavers. “I’m so fucking sorry. And I totally understand if you don’t want to do this, now.”

Keith claps a hand over his mouth but it’s not enough to contain his resounding cry. His shoulders shake. He has to be dreaming, this can’t be real.

“Oh, shit,” Shiro whispers, desperately trying to make eye contact. “Keith, I...I get it if you never want to talk to me again.”

“Say it,” Keith begs through his tears as they start to fall. “Please, say it.”

It’s been nearly three years since Keith declared how he felt, fighting for his life, watching Shiro bear down on him with crazy eyes and gritted teeth. Three years since he begged Shiro to come back to him, back from the dead, and he  _ did _ . A little over two years since he clarified that, no, it’s not brotherly. It never was. It never could be.

“Keith, I’m in love with you.”

He can’t even  _ begin _ to decipher his emotions or put them into words. It’s everything. Relief, elation, confusion, desperation. It all rushes through him and shoves him towards Shiro so he can kiss his soulmate deeply and with everything he has.

“I love you,” he sobs. His tears taste salty when they fall between their lips. “I love you, I love you.”

“I’m sorry,” Shiro whispers, and he’s crying, too. They’re both tearful messes, crawling over each other, gripping at each other as they finally realize what’s happening. “I’m so sorry, baby, I love you.”

There’s just one problem.

“Are you gonna leave him…?”

Shiro pulls back. It’s as though he hadn’t considered that. He wouldn’t stay with someone while he was in love with someone else, right? Keith knows he doesn’t  _ love _ that guy, now that he knows what it looks like when Shiro feels that way.

“I...Keith…”

Keith falls away. Of course. He’s been waiting for this moment for a decade, and it finally happens, and the stars don’t align. Shiro is already taken away from him.

“Okay.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“How are we supposed to do this if you’re married?” Keith asks him, incredulous.

Shiro searches his eyes. “We seem to be doing okay.”

“You want me to be your side chick?” Keith scoffs. God, what? After everything, he’s second. “You can’t be serious.”

“I told you. If you don’t want to do this anymore, I understand.”

“Don’t,” Keith warns. “You know I’d do anything for any part of you.”

“Okay.” Shiro looks at him for a long time. He’s waiting for an answer.

Keith just nods. Shiro smiles so, so gently and leans over to kiss his cheek.

Oh, he’s  _ fucked _ .

\---

“Where are you going in such a hurry?” Curtis asks when he sees Shiro grabbing his wallet from the kitchen table.

Shiro freezes. “Um. Keith wanted to hang out. He’s on Earth for a few days.”

Curtis hesitates, just for a moment, barely noticeable. “Oh, okay. Well, have fun. It’s good you two made up.”

The obvious hangs between them. Ever since the wedding, Curtis has been asking more questions about Keith. What they are to each other, what Keith has done for him. It actually got Shiro thinking about it, asking himself why  _ does _ he feel so strongly for Keith? He wasn’t completely one-hundred-percent sure until they spent the night together, again.

Shiro knows he’s selfish for not wanting to choose. But, he’s not one to quit easily, and he doesn’t want his marriage to fail after six months. He  _ especially _ doesn’t want to try and work through it together.

“Love you,” Shiro says, and it’s a formality, at this point. They haven’t had sex in a few weeks. All Shiro could think about was Keith.

“Love you, too,” Curtis smiles. “Text me if you’re gonna be home late.”

“I will.”

He’s meeting Keith on a grounded Blade ship. He is absolutely not supposed to be on it, and Keith has to sneak him in, but where else are they supposed to go? Shiro’s place? Obviously not.

Keith gives him very specific directions. Stand outside, Keith will cause a distraction, and boom, they’re in. The distraction happens to be a literal  _ explosion _ . The two Blade guards whirl around and stare in the direction of the hangar where there is now smoke billowing. Shiro feels Keith grab him and tug, and they’re running inside.

“You had to blow it up?” Shiro whines.

Keith has a devilish grin on his face. “Nope.”

And Shiro can’t help but feel his heart warm.

\---

They haven’t been able to spend the night together in months, and today is no different. Keith especially looks completely ruined, with bright red swollen lips and disastrous hair. Shiro is just disheveled. Keith guides Shiro through the corridors, careful to be wary of any footsteps, and they turn the last corner to escape.

Krolia is standing there, arms crossed.

“Mom!” Keith immediately reaches to fix his braid, to no avail. “Uh, hi.”

“You know no one is supposed to be on this ship, right?”

“Totally.” Keith purses his lips, as if to hide them. “I was just. Showing him around.”

Keith is literally horrible at acting innocent. Shiro wants to smack his palm on his face.

“I’m sorry, Krolia,” he apologizes genuinely. “It’s not his fault. I insisted.”

“And, he was just leaving,” Keith follows up. “Right, Shiro?”

“Right.” Krolia leaves just enough room for Shiro to scoot by her and move towards the exit. “Uh, see you, Keith.”

No final goodbye kiss on this day, Keith supposes. “See you, Shiro.”

Krolia keeps her arms folded. She appraises her son with the most judgemental look he’s ever seen.

“This is a horrible idea.”

Keith looks away like a sad puppy. “I know.”

“He’s married.”

“I  _ know _ .”

Krolia sighs, throwing her hands to her hips. “Keith--you said it yourself. He’s used you before. There’s no love, there. You deserve love.”

“He does love me,” Keith says quietly. “He said so.”

He  _ feels _ stupid saying it. To anyone else, they’d disagree. They’d ask Keith how Shiro could possibly love him if he’s the side piece. They’d bring up the countless times Shiro said, no, he  _ didn’t _ love Keith.

The only thing is that Shiro and Keith were never normal. People on Earth might have fought through a war, sure, but they never fought the evil clone of their best friend and lived to keep loving them. They never went to the endless plane of an alien’s consciousness to bring back the love of their life. They never brought their greatest love back to life by  _ asking _ .

“He took long enough,” Krolia mutters. “Bastard.”

Keith holds back the word vomit that threatens to project forward instinctually when someone insults Shiro. “He said he made a mistake.”

“No shit,” Krolia says flatly. “Anyone with eyes could see that. Except his husband, I suppose.”

“I just want to be with him,” Keith tells her. “I know I shouldn’t. But, I love him so much, and I can’t--”

His voice hitches. Ten years. Ten years.

“You’re twenty-five,” Krolia says. “I can’t tell you what to do. But I don’t approve of it, and I don’t want you to do it here.”

Keith nods numbly. “Okay. We won’t.”

“Be careful.” Krolia steps forward and kisses the top of his head. “Think about it.”

He hasn’t stopped thinking about it. For months. He plays that initial conversation over in his head about a thousand times a day. His memory zeroes in on Shiro’s eyes. How they were so heartfelt, so serious. So sure. Why would he fake that? 

It doesn’t matter, because Keith knows it’s going to crumble to shit eventually.

\---

He just didn’t think it would be so soon.

Curtis is supposed to be off-planet for work, so Shiro tells Keith to come over, and that they can finally spend a night together. The evening started out perfectly; Shiro cooked for him, they drew a bath, they had lazy sex in the water and rougher sex on the bed.

It was amazing. Keith has never slept sounder, curled up against his lover’s chest. Shiro whispered words of love to him until he fell asleep.

“ _ Shit _ .”

Keith is forced awake when Shiro sits up abruptly, and at first, he thinks Shiro is having a nightmare. He wants to reach out, to hold Shiro, to calm him down and tell him everything is okay. They’re together, and Keith is here with him.

It’s a different kind of nightmare, though.

“What the  _ fuck _ ?” Curtis stands in the doorway, the light from the kitchen pouring in behind him, casting him in dark shadows. “What is this?!”

Oh, god.

Keith brings the blanket to his chest. He can’t see Curtis’ expression, but he knows his own is terrified, like a wounded animal. 

“I thought you were off-planet,” Shiro says.

Curtis looks between them, shakes his head, and throws his hands up as he walks off.

“Curtis--”

It stings a little when Shiro practically falls out of bed to yank his boxers on. Keith watches, completely still, as Shiro rushes into the kitchen, and he hears shouting.

He has to get out of here.

He can’t climb out the window. Shiro and Curtis live in a highrise apartment, so he’s pretty much stuck with having to leave through the front door. Which is past the kitchen. 

Keith takes his time getting dressed.

“Did you ever love me?” Curtis demands, sounding heartbroken as hell. Keith bites his lip and wanders into the kitchen. “Or was it always  _ him _ ?”

Shiro hesitates for too long before he says, “Of course I love you.”

Keith would be hurting, but he knows it’s a lie. So does Curtis.

“I never had a chance,” Curtis realizes, seething. “You’ve probably wanted him since you fucking met, huh?”

Shiro’s expression goes  _ dark _ . “Don’t go there.”

“Don’t  _ go _ there?” Curtis gestures wildly at Keith, in the direction of the bedroom. “I just caught you with him in our fucking marriage bed, and you don’t want me to  _ go _ there?”

“Well, what do you want me to say? That I’m sorry? That I’m pissed you made me retire and become your perfect little housewife? That I  _ know _ you only went after me because I was the Captain of the Atlas?”

Keith’s eyebrows shoot up. Oh, shit.

“That’s not true,” Curtis says, tearing up. “I love you.”

“Not as much as he does,” Shiro rushes out. “No one could ever do that. It just took me a while to figure that out.”

“This is bullshit.” Curtis closes his eyes and gathers himself. “Get your shit and get out, Shiro.”

Keith has had enough.

He’s never felt like more of a side piece than this moment. He could pretend, before, that Shiro was his. He could imagine this home as  _ their _ home. Now? Now, Shiro’s husband is kicking him out, because they got caught, and Keith is a fucking homewrecker.

He shoves past Curtis to get the door, eyes burning. He hears Shiro say his name. Keith doesn’t stop moving. His feet take him down the stairs of the building, out the emergency exit door, and straight into the cold rain.

“Of  _ fucking _ course it’s raining,” he mumbles to himself. 

It’s times like these when he misses the Black Lion. When he was an emotional mess, he could retreat to its cockpit and curl up and cry. Now, he doesn’t have anywhere to go. He has to make his walk of shame back to his shuttle. In the rain.

“Keith.”

The stairwell door swings open, and they’re standing there, with Keith’s back turned as he gets increasingly soaked.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen,” Shiro says quietly.

“It did.” Keith laughs with cruelty. “I’m a homewrecker, now. I just ruined your marriage.”

“I think  _ I _ ruined my marriage,” Shiro says with a cracking voice. “Keith...this is a fucking godsend, for me. I’ve been so suffocated, lately--”

“So you used me,” Keith spits, whirling around. “Again. This time, so you could have an excuse to get out, rather than having the fucking  _ balls _ to tell him you want a divorce. Is that it?”

Shiro’s jaw drops. “No. No, Keith, that’s not--”

“I should have seen this shit coming,” Keith scoffs. “You used me once, you were gonna use me again. Do you even love me, Shiro? Was that a lie, just like your marriage?”

He knows he’s repeating after Curtis. Does Shiro love either of them? Does he have any clue what he wants out of life, at this point?

Shiro’s eyes are wide. He swallows hard and looks at the concrete.

Keith’s soul dies.

“After everything I’ve done,” Keith whispers. “You didn’t owe me love, Shiro. But, you owed me  _ something _ . Decency, maybe. Respect.”

“It’s more complicated than that…”

“I need time.” Keith shoves his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry. I should never have said yes to this.”

“Keith, wait.”

“I’ve waited for ten years, Shiro,” Keith says solemnly. “If it hasn’t happened yet...maybe we’re just not supposed to happen at all.”

When he walks away, he promises himself it’ll be the last time. 

The rain splashes beneath his boots, and he lets himself cry.

\---

  
  


It’s been five years since he’s stepped foot on Earth. 

Keith ran. He ran  _ far _ away, to a Blade base in another quadrant of the galaxy. His mother was still stationed near Earth, so he didn’t want to be completely unreachable, but the journey takes a good ten months, and that was what he needed.

He still thinks of Shiro. Every day. Sometimes, he dreams about the man. Fuck if it wasn’t the best sex he’s ever had, and you never forget your first love. But, that was then. This is now. Keith has officially hit thirty, and he’s not going to dwell on whatever shit happened in his twenties. He’s moving on.

Now, there’s a Blade conference, and it’s on Earth. The Garrison is hosting. It’s something to do with the anniversary of the War. Keith told the other paladins about it, but only Pidge is able to come. The others...well, they’ve fallen out of touch.

He won’t have to see Shiro, though. He’s sticking to the Garrison base, and he’s not going anywhere else. Shiro’s retired, so he’s not even allowed on the premises. Not even for a conference, not even for Voltron.

So. Sunny-side-up.

The welcoming is warm. Iverson is still there, the bastard, and he actually shakes Keith’s hand. 

“You’ve grown up quite a bit, son,” Iverson tells him, a suspicious hint of fondness in his tone. “Didn’t expect a kid like you to get so damn tall.”

Keith laughs. “I just turned thirty, sir. Took awhile for me to get here.”

Iverson’s single eye bugs out. “ _ Thirty _ ? Goddamn, I’m old! Well, get in here. Someone’ll show you to your quarters.”

“I get quarters,” Keith repeats, impressed. “Excellent hospitality.”

He’s flanked by two Blade members, because Keith is actually important now. He’s reached Senior status, which means he gets his own bodyguards, essentially. They’re more like his best friends, though. Navik and Threk. Awesome guys, and Keith has managed to not fuck either of them, which is a feat.

They walk past an open ballroom, clearly being set up for some kind of reception. Keith is distracted, saying something to Threk, when Navik sucks in a breath and puts his hand on Keith’s back.

“Don’t look now,” Navik hisses. “Mister Heartbreaker is here.”

Keith still looks.

It’s Shiro. He’s standing by the speech podium. He’s got four stripes of gold on the shoulders of his old, black and white uniform. He has a smattering of medals on his chest, a shadow of scruff on his chin, and black-rimmed glasses sitting on his nose.

He shines like a god. Keith nearly trips over his feet.

“Shit,” he whispers as he regains his footing, and when he looks up, Shiro has turned his head. Towards them.

They make eye contact for the first time in half a decade.

Keith’s not a child. He’s not. But, all over again, he’s eighteen and carrying a limp Shiro over his shoulders, praying to god that Shiro didn’t change into someone unrecognizable. 

Navik forces him to keep walking and shields Shiro from view.

“Hey!” Keith struggles a bit.

“You’re not talking to him,” Navik says with conviction. “Shiro: not even once.”

“He’s not  _ cocaine _ ,” Keith mumbles.

“Yeah? He is to you.”

Keith crosses his arms, and bitterly follows them.

They go through the motions. The conference is crowded, which makes Keith a little anxious, and he hates that he looks for Shiro whenever he feels panic clawing at his throat. He’s an adult, damnit, he doesn’t need his mentor anymore.

Except, Shiro is more than that, and he knows it.

Keith manages to lose Navik and Threk somewhere along the way, and there’s too many fucking people, so Keith tries his best to navigate through the throngs to get to the edge of the room where he can breathe. And, maybe find his friends, so they can get out of here. It’s boring and dry and Keith cannot stop thinking about--

“Keith.”

He turns around, and Shiro is right in front of him.

“Oh.” Keith is frozen in place. “Um. Hi.”

He goes weak when Shiro smiles, because it’s still so damn beautiful, and now there are crows feet near his eyes. “I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find you.”

“You knew I was coming?”

“I knew the Blades were coming,” Shiro shrugs. “From what I hear, you’re big news with them.”

Keith flushes. “It’s...it’s not that big of a deal.”

Shiro laughs, and Keith can’t help but smile, and why the fuck did they stop talking, again?

Oh. Right.

_ Maybe we were never meant to happen _ .

“Listen, are you in the middle of something?” Shiro asks him. “I wanna catch up.”

Catch up.  _ Catch up _ .  _ Just want to talk. _

“Sure. We can do that.”

Shiro leads him through Garrison Headquarters like he owns the place. He gets salutes from every single officer they pass. But…

“Weren’t you retired?” Keith can’t help but ask.

“I, uh. Got my job back.” Shiro shakes his head. “It’s not important. I just wanted to get back to helping people.”

Keith’s heart swells. “Yeah. You’re good at that.”

They turn a familiar corner, and Keith breaks out into a grin. He sees the ladder to the roof of the building, and the hatch is cracked open. God, this brings him back. Some of the greatest memories he’s ever experienced happened on this roof.

“You’re a sap,” Keith tells Shiro as he takes the lead and makes his way up the ladder.

“Figured it would be for old time’s sake,” Shiro says as he follows. The hatch opens completely, and the light from the setting sun floods inside. “You know. If we’re gonna catch up.”

Keith breathes the fresh air. Being back on Earth is decidedly nice. He should come back here more often, actually. Shiro ends up taking a seat on the edge of the roof, like he always used to, and Keith takes his loyal spot next to him.

Old time’s sake.

“Your hair got long,” Shiro comments.

It’s down to Keith’s waist, now. “Yeah, I decided to grow it out.”

“It looks good. You look good.”

No, Keith. Do not. Do  _ not _ listen to him, do not  _ entertain _ him.

“You, too,” Keith replies softly.

Damnit.

It’s silent for a moment while they stare at the sunset, causing the sky to erupt into a pallet of reds and oranges. It’s just as beautiful as it’s ever been, Keith thinks.

Keith had his first shot of vodka with Shiro on this roof. His first hit of a bowl. They used to get high up here and Shiro would hold his hand and point at constellations and tell Keith  _ you’ll be up there, one day. I know it _ .

“Did you ever get remarried?”

Implying that Keith even knows Shiro and Curtis broke up in the first place. He’s pretty sure they did. He can’t see Shiro trying to work it out.

“No,” Shiro says. “No, I...didn’t see the point.”

Keith didn’t see the point in dating, either, but it was because nobody was Shiro. He has a sex partner tally so high, he lost count in the fifties. Even then, no one came close.

Keith wrings his hands. “I missed you.”

It slips out before he can stop it. It’s not true, is it? He’s spent years convincing himself he’d never miss someone who didn’t love him.  _ Couldn’t _ love him.

“Oh, Keith,” Shiro whispers. It’s so damn intimate. “You have no idea how much I missed you.”

“It just hurt so bad. I had to leave.”

“For five years…?”

“I know,” Keith whines. “I know. I was...distant. Thinking about coming back felt so overwhelming, and part of me just wanted to forget what happened.”

“I could never forget,” Shiro says softly. “You are unforgettable.”

“I’m always going to love you,” Keith admits. What the hell, right? “More than anything. No matter how far I try and run from it, it’s still there. I can’t get over you. Maybe I just need to accept it.”

It’s quiet.

“When I told you I loved you, I wasn’t lying.” Shiro is watching Keith closely for his reaction. “But, when you asked...I just thought, how is it possible? How could I do this to someone I love? Why would I put someone I love second in my life?”

“Shiro…”

“I was so stupid. So,  _ so _ stupid. And, you’re right; I was a coward. I didn’t want to face him. And, I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Keith says. “For everything. Mostly for the fact that I was a dick to you.”

Shiro laughs and reaches for his hand. Keith’s heart stutters, still, after all these years. 

“Can we start over?”

Keith turns to him, stunned. Start over. Start  _ over _ ? “Shiro, I don’t know if I can pretend it never happened.”

“I’m not asking for that,” Shiro clarifies. “It happened. I just mean...could we do this the right way?”

“Fuck…” Keith searches his eyes for something, anything that could reveal Shiro is lying. All he finds is hope, and compassion, and  _ love _ . “You really want me…?”

“Keith, I’m so in love with you. I understand if you don’t want to give it another shot. I...screwed up more than words can really describe. But, I want you. I don’t want to live my life without you.”

They’re broken. How many  _ years _ did they spend dancing around each other? How many times was Keith’s heart shattered because of Shiro? 

How many times did Shiro put the pieces back together?

“I love you,” Keith breathes. “I want this so bad.”

Shiro cups his cheek. “I’ll get it right, this time, beautiful.”

The kiss is everything Keith dreamed about and more.

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this...impulsively. 
> 
> i will pepper in the fact that i am a jak and daxter fan
> 
> i wanted to focus on the concept of relationships changing and that not everyone is perfect. these two are a beautiful disaster but they can still be happy. i also wanted to take keith away from his "i love shiro and want him to be happy no matter what" persona because that's not how love feels or works in reality. you can want someone to be happy and still hate that you're not together. you can be totally willing to risk your happiness as long as you get SOMETHING from who you love.
> 
> but it all ended up fine! imagine that
> 
> you can hmu over on twitter @ hitchups! lemme know how you feel about this bad boy.


End file.
